Hope is Beautiful

Last week, while the sun was shining and high temp records were being shattered I was busy reaching my low. I didn't realize at the time just how down and hopeless I was feeling, but looking back on it now that I feel hope again, I realize that I was circling the drain . . . luckily I did not fall in.

For me falling in would most clearly be indicated by binging and purging. I haven't in so long it feels amazing. It's been months, probably closer to a year since I stuck my finger down my throat and punished myself for being me. Sometimes I con myself into thinking I'm completely out of the woods, and then weeks like last week strike. I was overcome with ridiculously strong urges to binge and purge on almost a daily basis, sometimes for the entire day. What brought this on? Well I was having some medical issues that nobody wants to hear me go into detail about so I won't, and I realized for the first time how much I miss work and how scared I am that I won't ever find a job I care about so much again. I'm sure other unconscience crap was going on too, but what do I look like, a psychologist?

I'm not sure what kept me from giving in, but I'm so glad I managed to find the strength not to. Most of that strength I believe came from my loved ones, even though they have no idea what a role they played. I kept envisioning my wedding in July. I pictured my fiance, who loves me no matter how nuts I am, my mom, who has been there for me through absolutely everything, and others close to me and realized I wanted to make them proud. I wanted to show them proof that they weren't crazy for loving me and for sticking by me, that I have finally managed to become a stable, HEALTHY, adult. I couldn't do that if I was binging and purging. And I knew from experience that if I let myself do it just this once, I would do it again, and again, until I was doing it several times a day.

This week things are much more dismal outside (back to March in New England) but I feel as if spring has sprung within me. I'm proud of myself for not giving in, even when I had hours and hours of solitary free time to do just that. In the past I have had to make sure I wasn't home alone for more than an hour, because it was a sure thing I would binge. I've come a long way. I'm also feeling better medically, not perfect, but I've managed to get perspective. I think one reason it hit me so hard was that medical issues mean I am getting older, and that can be tough for any gal to deal with! I also feel much better about my work prospects this week, I've started really applying to jobs, jobs that excite me, jobs I'm qualified for, jobs I know I would be good at. I'm sure it will take awhile to find the right one, but that's okay, I will be learning how to cook in the meantime, doing my writing, and recieving love and support from those around me. I really don't have things so bad after all. I have hope again, and it is beautiful.

I love to hear your thoughts and engage in discussion. If the comment box is not already displayed please click on the link which indicates the number of comments and let your voice be heard!