Yesterday I got my 23 year old teddy bear out of his home with all my other stuffed critters (much to the consternation of my fiance, they live in a forever-growing pile in our living room) and hugged him tightly for a couple of hours. I cried into his fur like I had so many times before over a broken heart or a broken dream.
Whenever I'm incredibly upset or overwhelmed, this aged teddy bear, who I call Cuddily (yes I know it is spelled incorrectly) is my go-to source of comfort. I don't feel like there is anything wrong with this, after all I always stand up tall, brush myself off and keep on going after a good cry, but some may disagree.
I needed Cuddily yesterday because I got more bad financial related news. I haven't received any pay for over a month, (I'm laid off and the wheels of unemployment seem to turn slowly) but I somehow have to pay over 500 dollars a month to keep my health insurance. In July once Matt and I are married I can get on his, but until then I'm out of luck. He could put our pet guinea pigs on his insurance if he wanted to, but he can't add me. I digress. Yesterday I found out I owe an additional 400 dollars largely due to a mistake made by someone other than myself. I had a temporary breakdown.
What surprised me, and made me realize how much I've grown up is who I called after the initial cry and hugging of Cuddily. I was stuck for a moment, unsure whether to call my mom or Matt. I'm still, even at the age of 28, used to my mom being there to fix things when I find them unfixable. I'm lucky to have her, but I realized yesterday that I didn't need to always go to her anymore; she didn't need to be my first call. Matt is my family and he will always make sure I am okay. So I called him and he made me feel light years better. We worked out a solution together and by the time I talked to my mom later that day I was able to share the crisis with her but not ask her to pull me out of it.
Something about this made me incredibly sad. I felt as if I was ending an era with my mom, almost being disloyal by not going to her. I had to acknowledge that our relationship has changed and it never will be what it used to be. She is no longer my caretaker. This really isn't anything new, she has been my friend much more than she's been my caretaker for ten years, but this feels like the final step and it's hard.
I know this is a good thing. She has done far more for far longer than many parents do. It is time for me to be completely independent and allow her to focus on making herself happy. I am my caretaker and Matt is my partner in all my endeavors. She took care of me for years, her role is changing now.
I don't even want to type this, but if I am honest with myself I know that one reason this is difficult is because this natural progression means we are both getting older and I am forced to face our mortality. It is especially difficult to face hers.
Has anybody else had a similar experience? What was the process of transitioning roles with your parents? Do you have your own Cuddily to help you out when you are blue?
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What a lovely thoughtful post. I can relate to so many things. I think you are wise in realizing that your relationship with your mom has changed and brave to face her mortality. Your courage lies within your honesty. I have had to face similar truths about my mom who has also been my rock.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes I have a "Cuddily" it's a heart shaped pillow that my dad (now deceased) got after he had heart surgery. I cry into it anytime I have a broken heart.
Cheers to Cuddily! :)
Cheers! No matter how old we get, we need our Cuddily's sometimes.
DeleteThank you for your response, it's good to know others have felt the way I do!
Isn't it odd how time changes everything? As a child, a parent/grandparent/caregiver was the person to run to. As an adult, your significant other fills that role, allowing your caregiver to fill a different role. It's daunting, and at 27, I'm not sure I will ever be fully grown up.
ReplyDeleteSame here Christina! I think a part of me will be 'un-gronw up' forever. I think that's okay. Maybe even normal.
DeleteHi, Jenny and thank you for inviting me to visit today.
ReplyDeleteMy cuddlies are two things, maybe 3: my kitty, Scooter. Chocolate. And sometimes, a real Coke. Might be the sugar thing.
As a mom with a child near your age, I can say it is hard on us too to see and hear about struggles. Stay strong, say prayers, and be positive. You will be fine.
I get weepy whenever I think of my parents dying. It's unthinkable, and it's inevitable. Tough to come to grips with such a thing. Glad you had Cuddily.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting and commenting Vicki and Liz. It's great to get different perspectives and comforting as well.
ReplyDeleteI have someone stuffy-fluffy named "Big Bear" (much to my boyfriend, Rob's, chagrin) hidden in my closet for days like these...and I'm 24. He's my "Cuddily," if you will. I don't necessarily think it's weird, if only because sometimes you need something to cry into and not talk back, given advice or verbal support. Sometimes you need to think about the past to push you through the present and into the future.
ReplyDeleteI'm also in the phase where I have to rely less on my parents and more on my long term, live-in boyfriend's opinion/advice. It's tough and sometimes I find myself doubting anything and everything there is in adulthood. It's normal, I think, to be going through this kind of stuff. You are most definitely not alone (as proven by this and the other comments).
I bet Big Bear and Cuddily would be great friends!
DeleteIt's true we definitely sometimes need somebody(something) that will just let us cry and not try to fix things for us. It seems like men in general go straight to trying to fix the problem when you're not there yet.
Good luck with your transition, I think I'm beginning to realize that everybody struggles with this stuff, even if on the outside they seem self-assured and confidant.