I feel like I've spent far too much of my life waiting for my life to begin. I have a very difficult time focusing on the moment, and often find myself preoccupied with memories, regrets, and questions from the past or longing for the life I will have at some point in the future. If I could change any one thing about myself this inability to just LIVE very well may be it.
I can spend days obsessing about choices I've made in the past, and how my life would be different if I had made different choices. We have all made mistakes but I can't seem to forgive myself mine. Instead I emotionally whip myself regularly, berating myself for the stupid things I've done, even when everything turns out all right in the end. I am the queen of What If's? and I'm tired of it.
When I am actually paying attention during the present I find that I choose whether or not to do things based on what I want my memories to be like. I may not feel like making homemade cut out sugar cookies, but I want it to be a tradition, something we always do at Christmas, so I make myself do it. I may not have felt like going to all the parties I went to in college but did I want to remember college as one big fun party or as nights spent alone in my room? I went to the parties. It's a maddening way to live, making your choices based on how you want to remember your life rather than on how they will effect your life.
Waiting for the future is the other bothersome part of my thought process. Right now is a prime example. Matt and I plan to live in our apartment in Somerville, MA until he finishes his degree and then move away, buy a house, etc. I'm quite eager to get away. I'm not a huge fan of the area's overcrowding, traffic, trash in the gutters, parallel parking, weather, and I could go on. To make matters worse, I just lost the one thing in this area that mattered to me other than Matt, which was my job. I find myself far too often wishing these next couple of years away, just so life can really begin. That is no way to spend life! Two years is a long time and I should be living them to their fullest not counting the days until they are gone.
I've always been like this, in a rush to get on to the good part of life. Way too often I end up missing, or not enjoying fully the good part because of this. Thank God I don't always listen to my voice which says now now now. If I did I would have skipped college in favor of settling down right away. I now consider college to be the best years of my life, but back when I was 17 I really couldn't wait for it to be over.
So what's to be done about all of this? I don't know. I just wanted to get it out. And see if maybe others experienced similar difficulties. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does these crazy things! Or tell me I am, as long as your honest, I welcome your input. If the comment box is not already displayed please click on the link which indicates the number of comments and let your voice be heard!
Live each day knowing you could be gone tomorrow. Do the things you enjoy now and not worry if they are right or wrong. They will always be right, because as long as you're doing something, you're making progress.
ReplyDeleteI purchased this one book called "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway". We all have fear, some press past it and others do not.
Whenever I used to find myself stuck, I would take a class in something, anything. Taking classes, you meet people, socialize and learn new things. Knowledge is power and power will help you move on to bigger and better things. When you do this, your memories will always be good. It's when you feel helpless and do nothing, you will have regrets.
Thank you Diane, I think I'm going to take a course just as suggested. I've become somewhat of a recluse since losing my job and too much time to think is not a good thing!
ReplyDeleteI do find myself looking forward to things and forgetting to enjoy the now. I think this is something that I need to work on. Enjoying every step along the way. We can't get days back once they've gone.
ReplyDeleteI used to be just like this, focusing on the past so much I didn't get anywhere in life. I suffered quite badly with my depression and it wasn't helped by what was almost an obsession on some days with the choices I've made over my life.
ReplyDeleteYou can get past that though; I'm not saying I never think about what I could've done differently, but mostly I just enjoy life for what it is. Perhaps when you're more settled, in a place you like, you will, until then you need to try and train yourself to stop focusing on the past. Perhaps find something to do, every time you find yourself thinking about the past, knit, or read, or write or something instead.
You said it Kelly, we certainly can't get back days once they are gone, and we only are blessed with a finite amount of them. I'm going to try to start living in the moment more, Rhi I like your suggestion of having an activity I do whenever I start to think about the past. I might extend that to obsessive thoughts about the future too. I am hoping that once Matt and I are settled things will be rather different, but I can't just waste these next two years waiting for that. Carpe Diem.
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