Baby Steps

It’s been so long since I wrote in here. Many things have changed, mostly for the better. I have been working full time as an assistant program director at a teen parent program since October. It’s within walking distance from my house which is nice because I get to go home daily for my break. This is a really nice perk since my hours are usually from around 11am – 7:30pm, giving me a lot less time in the evenings to do things then I was used to when I last worked and my schedule was 7am – 3pm. I’m gradually adjusting to this new life of full days and learning how to function with a full time job again.

            The job is far from perfect but it pays the bills and keeps me busy so I really can’t complain. Well I can, and I do, but I probably shouldn't  Venting is normal though and I believe necessary. There’s no reason I can’t be grateful for what I have and still vent about my frustrations. So I do.

            I’m working really hard on living in the moment and not letting myself waste my life on worries recently. I’m sick of cheating myself out of my present by dwelling in the mistakes of the past and obsessing about the uncertainty of the future. Of course this is easier said than done but I’m making baby steps. I found a lot of inspirational quotes about worrying and posted them around my office and also printed them out for home. Phrases like “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow,” and “Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere.”  I figure if I surround myself with these reminders something is bound to stick right? I sure as hell hope so.

            I’m also trying to get back to hobbies I've been neglecting since I started working again. I went to the gym for the first time in months last week, I am back to studying French, and obviously, I’m getting back to writing as well. I’m okay with the fact I let these things slide while I got back to living a real person life with a full time job, but I’m ready to challenge myself now and push myself to do more than just work. It’s time.

            Something I didn't let slide after I started working is my goal to get off of Prozac completely. In less than 6 months I have gone from 80 milligrams daily to 60 then to 40 and now I’m at 20. Getting off of meds you've been on for 10 years is hard as hell and rife with side effects both physical and mental, so I’m pretty damn proud of myself. Only 20 more milligrams to go – I’m anticipating this will be the hardest 20 to kick.

            My marriage is good, my family in Ohio is good, and I get to take my husband with me to visit the rest of my family in May for my 30^th birthday. All my favorite people in the same place at the same time: now that is something to be grateful for. My plan is to enjoy each moment of the trip and enjoy the gift that is the present. Yep, I know that’s corny but I don’t care, that is where I’m at right now – and for once I am okay with where I am at and not in a huge hurry to get somewhere else. Baby steps.

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